Friday, December 21, 2007

No remorse coz I still remember,

The smile when you tore me apart.

and made me realize

It was all just a lie!

Could have been forever

Now we’ve reached the end

(Angels within temptation) from a beautiful video by ChristineDaae

I always think that my mentor is extremely confident. Let me refer to some of his performances in his band! That was the time he could be Lelio like he aspired to be… in Paris. It’s my favorite moment, even though I don’t know the full details. We were very close but it still ached to discuss this sadness.

His stage persona is so vibrant! Magnetic is almost hitting it, but not quite. If I get a time machine, I would tune it so I can attend his concert live. Jumping prancing to all of San Francisco, living in the moment!

I complained about my bad speech. We had to be reviewed by our peers, and the overconfident asses had rated me poorly! What did they have against me? must they burst my balloon? It’s not fair that I don’t have a gab-gift but they do! Talk does NOT mean you can do something. I’ve always hated public speaking. I know people can overcome this problem—it’s a mind barrier, but I don’t see that day coming along. I welcome it! sure, people get butterflies but mine are the worst.

“That’s kind of a pity. Hmm…” Lestat considered, rubbing his chin. Tonight my friend wore a black silk top with patterns emblazoned across. It clung to his great figure. We love seeing him in black which accentuates his yellow mop of hair and the electric blue-purple of his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“How how? When I started off it was totally screwed! I had it all rehearsed. You heard me talking to myself right?”

“Yup. The recruitment for the orphanage right?” he confirmed. I smiled.

He ran his left hand to brush off a strand that got in his eyes. In this casual movement, my friend actually moved his hips according to the suede material. How hot! “How did you mess up? I’ve got pics from your mind, but they’re not clear.”

“I started with a disjointed sentence! What’s wrong with me? I blabbered and all the way my stomach felt colder and colder. Butterflies came to my throat. I wanted to puke. How lucky you are. Confident in front of the crowd!”

The blond reached over and patted my hand. His touch was warm and comforting. I gazed at the whiteness and the spidery veins.

“It’s alright. Don’t worry,” he soothingly purred. That is a complimentary ticket, if you can’t see a handsome guy, you should hear his voice. Layers of softness, ring of sincerity, masculine vibe.

“Bianca, are you dreaming again?”

“Yea ha. Sorry.”

He sat opposite me gracefully. Picked up the cup I had used off the edge of the table. “I was also scared. There were Millions and millions of audience. I had no prior experience. Lelio in my village was nothing, just 10 maybe? These people in the 20^th Century knew music, and talent. I didn’t want to disappoint them. had to give them more than my album and videos. San Francisco was hot! Literal firing up my senses. Don’t you recall, I got blood sweat breaking out all over me. The butterflies in me went wild, worsened by the shouting and the noise! Lights hurt my eyes. Practicing in the studio was not preparing for this much.”

I gestured for him to go on, delighted in the images he presented. He showed me color images of the crowd, for him I couldn’t see as it’s his memory (you can’t see yourself as third person). “Lestat even if you’re scared, they’d melt at your grin. Can’t imagine anyone not.”

He clasped his hands together and pressed to his lips. “Oh I’m flattered. I was more frightened than excited. Both running together at the same time. I’m not a planner. I just go and do the thing. Everytime there’s a curtain, I think of the endless possibilities. Why don’t you try that, picture the beginning. Like curtain call.”

“I dunno.. The curtain would make me puke.” We cracked up.

“That’s a barrier, you see? If you think badly, it comes out badly. Think positively—like—I will make it. Your success not your fear. Our minds determine how we act! As a telepath, you can visualize greater heights!” Bratprince intoned, higher pitched. Then dropped to a gentle note, “It works for Jeanne. My shy friend, he lost the shakiness towards the middle. From experience, once you know what you’re talking about, and the intro’s great, you’re a success.”

I nodded, refilling more cherry flavor. “How can you stop the butterflies in your stomach then? Does it happen, is there a cure?”

His laughter was rich. I stared at him incredulously… what’s funny about it? And a little blue hurt. How could you laugh at me? Finally he stopped, gasping, pushing away some red tears.

He looked like a striped doll. “Aw, sorry. But, it was so funny. Butterflies stopping. Nada, you’ll always have them. Some big, some small. I haven’t stopped them. As I said before, I’m not confident. Being the youngest, I got low self-esteem. Opposition from every side.”

He had now reduced to a small smile. Normal. Actually he’s not scary when he smiles (to his claim). Lestat’s glare is intimidating, but what should freeze your ass is his stone-cold expression. “Look! The stars are out!”

I saw them, but felt more gloomy. “I’m gone.”

“Pie, it saddens me: your down heartedness. Was it me? I was not laughing at you.”

“Not really.”

“Ahhh being tactful again. No need to. I’m strong enough to take it. Anyway come here. I wanna hold you tight.”

The vampire knelt till we were face to face level and pulled me an embrace. I stiffened at his cold breath, which smelled minty. The teeth sheathing out…

I’m not gonna bite. My mouth’s still numb from the cough mixture. So bitter.

Haha, yay!

Wicked child. I closed my hands behind his neck and nuzzled on his shoulder. One of his soft hairs tickled my nose. He sighed. Felt his chest move a bit.

You hurt? Chest pains----- I asked, drawing back

No no. The rosy mouth that gave love kisses, tenderness, could be angry yet normal, his talent which coaxed the piano of its music. He masked his gentleness and commented, “You can improve. I believe in you. Want to practice? I can give you the eye contact and get more people to be your audience if you like.”

Gratefully, I jumped up. I would inform them all next time. I felt like goose pimples would break out. Yikes. My teacher seemed miffed. “Sorry. I’m still shy. But not fear of you.”

“Huh! Better not.” He snorted. I want to be you! I wanna be like you. Why do you fear me? He’d shouted on the first night.

Butterflies don’t go away. I am a performer, want approval. That new role I got? I was doubtful I could sing.

Yes after coughing so much.

But I did! Wanted to please them, need to feel the love and adoration for me. Hehe selfish thoughts. Think of performing, or speaking in your case, as offering a meaningful thing.

I stroked his shirt. He looked kind of sweaty. Having a fever? The other time before his stage act, he had been feverish but refused to rest. We had tried to stop him but my friend had fervently declared that he had made a kind of promise to act and he should not let down the audience.

I caught his sleeve. “You alright? I got worried when you were so late.”

“I am. Feel hot … I did tell you I was supporting a friend acting.”

“I forgot. You smell good.” Yay Chels and I had bought it and he was using Calvin Klein.

Then I drifted into a trance of my own, lost in the depths of his fairness. If only they could come out with me in the day. There’d be endless things we could do together! Widening the depths of my brain, traversing to the space of infinity. A nightmare about burning. It looked like the time when Louis set fire to his house! Setting was 17^th century Nouvelle- Orleans. Lots of trees, tea plantations. The slaves yelling in panic, the two of them escaping from the inferno, horses whinnying and escaping, clatter of hooves.. no way this was a movie. The movie had cut out those parts of my preternaturals’ story. It was vivid and like I was there personally and could not cry out. Past Lestat and Louis running to the horses, mounting them. people as black as night brandishing their fire brands, dancing, sparks flying. Had I just did a time travel? How could it be possible?

I had to ask my teacher Omaga about this…

“Papillion, you did? See us in the past? How about what we said?” Stat piped up from the left of me. I woke up.

“Err… no. just the running and the panic. I couldn’t follow you guys. Only for a while and I dunno why?”

Louis had returned and he asked--- what’s going on? You looked lost and blank. Your aura was white.

I had a visitation to your past. I didn’t read anything to do with it, but it was there. Aloud to reassure Stat, I said, “ He’s home! Did you buy any chocz?”

The blond pressed a hand to his temple. “He was back 15 minutes ago. And I talked to you but you didn’t respond.” I opened the box and sank my teeth into juicy dark chocz!

The burning curiosity lighted them but I had to stave off the questions. My turn to keep secrets. “Um fire is a destroyer of life. But you said it brings life. Do all of you have this gift?”

“I don’t have it.”

Lestat became very serious at this question. “Fire can bring life. But as first hand sufferer of the destruction, it’s more of an enemy than a friend. The oldest of us have this gift only. For me, it was a sudden big responsibility. I had to reject it. I’d rather have a Healing, or something less of a weapon.”

Louis hugged him and kissed his ear. “I’d better not drink from ya. Have you taken your medicine?”

“Very bitter. Once I’ve stopped the coughing, not gonna take it anymore.” Louis was dismayed, frowned at him. The blond excused himself. Exit stage left.

“Krys what’s going on? why did you become like a statue?” he fired anxiously.

“Lo, it’s hard. I dunno…”

He swallowed, emeralds glinting. “I’ll give you time. Is it to do with your increasing strength? When you left for that time?”

Something like that. I could not reply him. I only wished that I knew how often I would enter a trance. Omaga I had a vision into the True past.

My child that gift has not appeared for decades! How?

I don’t know. I’ll come see you tomorrow. Can I ?

I watched youtube online videos. It’s a free channel you can see about everything posted. Muttering, where is it? I know I saw it somewhere…. Aha! Knock.

“Come in.”

“I had this lucky charm. It gives confidence. I wish you success,” bratp told me, producing a sapphire colored stone in the shape of a leaf. It was simple and symbolic.

“It’s so cute. You bought it?”

“Let me pin it on for you.” I felt shy as he got close and opened the clasp.

“Thank you.”

“It was my mother’s. I never did pawn all her jewellery. I kept this in my pocket, during my plays. And I improved.”

So much history behind it. I couldn’t… I said so.

Lestat bounded away, at my doorway now. He wagged a finger “I have enough luck already. And overflowing with confidence. You may give it back next time. no hurry.”

“But it’s the only thing you’ve of Gabrielle. I feel bad.”

Stat refused. Tears almost dripped as he whispered, “No butting. I can’t be there for you personally. You’ve potential. Just keep it. My mother’s inside of me. She’ll never leave.”

********

Reminders of how I might have seen her. But I couldn’t tell him. It’d make him exuberant, heart pounding, flying kind of joy if I could announce yes, Gabrielle had been here. His greatest reward.

No Krys. I’ve gotta talk to you about it. When are you free?

Louis, I didn’t. (I didn’t say about this heartfelt gesture)

Thanks. David and I tracked her. When you can, we’ll scry together.

So I wore the blessing of the de Lioncourts on my collar and later used a chain as a pendant. I tried to return it to Stat, but he wouldn’t accept it. long term loan had become a gift. Material things wasn’t important. I was.

Maybe he didn’t want to see it again…