Saturday, August 19, 2006Flaring tempers and my decision to leave!
Feeling extremely depressed, I left for a month and stayed with my aunt.
Lestat was irate that I left without informing them. “You promised you’d always trust in us. Mon dieu! I scanned but I couldn’t feel you, Krystal. Why didn’t you leave us word? We don’t have feelings?”
I couldn’t say, because all I thought of was how I’d miss them if I went to heaven and didn’t see them there. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, it can’t be reversed. Where’re you? Come home,” Stat replied, both pissed and persuasively. I said I couldn’t. He let Louis come on the phone.
“What is wrong? Lestat’s furious. Even I can’t appease his temper like that.”
“I.. I need to think for a bit. It’s not working out, this arrangement. Oh Louis, I’m stressed. I’ll see ya both outside, at Central Street? Yea, 7.30 is fine. Bye.”
The following evening, the three of us rendezvous. Lestat was still a little sore I’d run away. Louis was much happier. He’d on his new clothes------ silk green shirt and white pants. I wore jeans and a black blouse covered up to my elbows. It’d an emblem of a dragon.
Brat, sorry ok?
“If you’re sorry you’ll have the courtesy to tell me why. Why you resorted to such a childishness!” Brat p whispered fiercely. He flashed his teeth. Some passersby ran.
“Stat, don’t spoil this night. We should have fun.” The master did not respond.
I was with him, while looking out at the lighted hotel. “I won’t leave you again. I had to… reflect on something. I can come home tomorrow. Promise. ”
He laughed and in it were some tears choking his throat. ‘How do You know? Can your vision grant that far?”
Damn him. Spoiling the night and making it impossible for reconciliation. “No! I’m trying to console you! Don’t be--- don’t be like this.” I cried in frustration. I screeched, a hiccup. He glanced in surprise.
“I didn’t mean to sound so… dreary. Tonight should be a joyous reunion. But, I can’t. Forget about what I said. Bianca, you cannot tell me why you left?” he wanted to know.
“No. not your fault. I wanted some privacy.”
“Ok.” He sighed. We had an uncomfortable silence between us. Never experienced this before. I liked silence but my friend was never silent. Why had he fallen so deep I couldn’t reach him? I touched his cold arm. His hair concealed his picture of agony and dismay. It was an undercurrent, which he was trying to hide but with my evolved strength, I had no problem sensing it.
“Um, are you angry? Are you okay?”
The blond smiled sadly and touched my cheek. His eyes like broken glass, all too
sorrowful. “Cherie, I’m so afraid. Once you find the depth of my hunger and, possessiveness, you will leave me. It has always shown up. (drawing of breath) I refused to grant Rowan her request. I don’t want to drag anyone else down with me. Niki, Claudia…” Lestat’s voice broke at this juncture.
What to say? In some part of my life, I’d to part with my family. It is the natural cycle of a Shaper to leave its family. My parents and relatives understood this. I had not told them yet. Darn, how should I form the words? Louis was patient even in anger, but Lestat was different. He was a wound- up toy that wouldn’t
He’d never hesitated to tell me before. A pause of eloquence. “What is it?” I prompted, reaching once more across to touch his cold hand. This time, I promised, I won’t flinch away. I won’t be prejudiced against you, beloved Teacher.
I held his hand not minding the iciness. So happy always, breaker of rules. Yet he longs for stability, truth in his relationships. Freedom of the cons of immortality.
“Why don’t you tell me to grow up, and be in charge here? I sound super helpless.” He laughed.
I pondered my things. “Lestat, I need to stay away for awhile. To think about why I’m here, some growing process. I haven’t mentioned this before have I?” I began when I had taken another sip of my lemonade. The vampire glanced at me, not in pain now. Worry. “Don’t worry. I’m at a friend’s. I’ll be alright. She’s a great cook.”
My fosterdad made a sound. You’re leaving me. It’ll be gradual but it’ll be definite. He was sobbing and covered his mouth with a white fist.
No I won’t. Just for this month okay?
"Have I stopped your freedom? Controlled you too much? Let us discuss this further. Do not be rash----- Lestat said. Maybe it is because of the music. I was bothering you… I’ll come back to normal again. I’ve brooded too long. You kids are very important to me. Let’s enjoy the rest of the night. ok?"
He brushed this away as a minor issue attributing it to his habits of anti sociality these days. How was I to know training Lestat to leave us alone and help us have peace would cause this? Why did he lay it out that he understood? No one understood how we Shapeshifters felt during our time of confusion! Nobody can claim to come even a second inch near enough. It was not his quiet time Or obsessive music affecting me.
I blurted out “You’re not helping! Why’re all your thoughts self centred! I’m not as shallow as you think.”
“Oh. That I’m selfish?”he replied in a somber tone. This cut like a whip. I turned away. Got more agitated, “Hey! Stop! All I’ve ever done and tried to do was out of love. You are the one who can’t understand. Then, I cannot expect that of a mortal, should I? No mortal can love me, or they just need me for that frigging moment, when I can render help! I might as well wait for the sun!”
I yelled across the wide gap, “Now what conclusion are you jumping! Everytime you fight with anybody, it’s always threatening to go and die! What the hell do you want? ”
He wasn’t weeping anymore but extremely angry. Cheeks reddened and he bared his fangs. “I want you to come back! Must it be so difficult? If you’re not mortal, you don’t need to do this. You are above all this!”
“I was wrong to hope you’d be sympathetic... I can’t talk anymore.” I walked away quickly, tears coming up. But I wouldn’t let him see me cry.
Lestat roared, didn’t follow me. It frightened the creatures of the night. “FINE! I’m an immortal and a damned one at that! You don’t want to see me again, you want me dead!” Then he sobbed. I stopped, turned around, but Lestat was gone.
Louis begged me to see reason. He said, "He was starved. Maybe you won't change your mind now. But will you when you've cooled down?" I was sorry to bring him into this.
He wanted a perfect family.
"Let me come. To make sure you're all right." I couldn't say no to that.
I went to Chelsea's house. The quiet vampire held my arm. He seemed distraught. I looked into his eyes and gently asked him to go home. I will cope fine. Let's contact by email. Ok?
I wouldn't let him speak any further and ran indoors. Couldn't risk the blond tracking me. But he did not. He must be seething at my words. It served him right! I hate it when people threaten about themselves to me.