Saturday, April 15, 2006More Lestat's diary
July 4, 2003
I feel totally exhausted today. I’ll be really contented if I have my friends with me. I hate feeling so lonely. On the Cd, the music goes:
Unbreak my heart
Say you love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door and out of my life
Uncry these tears, I cried so many million nights…. (by Toni Braxton)
This is how I’m feeling right now, super depressed. I turned it off. Fed up. When will Bianca call me? I was so happy to hear the ring that I pranced over. But it was my mortal agent. He nagged at me. I already told him I am considering. Why is he so anxious I won’t take his advice? Stupid humans!
I want to kill him, savor his blood in my throat. No no, on second thoughts, I feel nauseous. Calm myself, Lestat. Calm calm calm. If I kill him, how will I continue?
My money will be in danger. Usually I work with the same people, who can be trusted. Some of them know my true identity.
I have been trying to calm down and not worry too much. At least I did not vomit today. I tried to play the piano to take my attention off this. Louis came in then, asking me to listen to his latest poetry. I agreed. It is nice! He can be a composer one day.
July 8, 2003
Not wrong spelling, his name. I just feel like making it spelled the same as his pronunciation. I told Louie we should have come earlier. I blame him. We missed the show, after an entire week which seemed like torture to me! We were late. The people wouldn’t let us enter. I had been looking forward to it so much. It’s all ruined.
He gives me this dumb look of despair. Read: I don’t know why you’re so mad. Argh! I hate Louie sometimes! He is so clueless, as American phrase has it. I refrained from shouting, because it makes me feel giddy. So I am totally ignoring his efforts to make peace! He should be ashamed of himself.
The good thing was cherie called me! I was surprised when I heard her tinkly voice on the phone. It was fated I missed the show, or I wouldn’t have got her. Yay. She was telling me what happened at her school. She’s so busy with tests now. She need not worry coz she is hardworking and intelligent. She will make it. Bianca giggled when I told her this.
“Lestat, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t come these nights.”
I laughed. “It is cool. I thought you got mad at me and was thinking where I could’ve gone wrong.”
“So Sensitive. My brother and cousins should learn from you.” I was flattered. Cherie’s always making me feel swollen headed. I should be humble. In the past I’ve not been so sensitive. I did plenty of yelling myself. “Gotta go soon. I’ll come and see you tomorrow. Wanna go out? How is Louis?”she asked.
“Sure. I look forward to that. Where will we go?” I felt so plenty excited. My stomach began to hurt again. I ignored it.
“Um maybe a movie. Hey I thought you were out seeing a play, Les miserables? Did you miss it?” I was furious and related how angry I was at my fledge! She tut tutted me “Now now, Lestatie. Brat again. Are you ok?”
Oh no did she realize my pain? I told her I was fine, but by now my vision failed. I hung up and grabbed a pillow. Later Louis picked up the phone. I vaguely heard him speaking.
July 8, midnight
Can’t sleep so I’m continuing this. I wish I were mortal again, ah but minus aches and pains. I miss seeing the sun, feeling it on my face. That time I was too engrossed with day to day activities to truly savor it.
I can’t find my music sheet. Louie came in again and hugged me. We kissed and made up. I am always soft hearted to him. Look at him, dark hair, angelic, soft eyes, soft lips….. he is so perfect and mild. I often take advantage of him. Very bad huh? Louie, I cannot survive without him. He promised that he would not be slow again. I told him Bianca wants to see a movie.
I want to be an artiste. Here’s a comic sketch.
A boy and girl figure holding hands. The guy is wearing blue, the girl has her hair bunched up in 2. Round heads and tubby bodies.
Or maybe not. I marvel at great artists! Michelangelo,Raphael, Gauguin. Such talent. The least I can do is buy their paintings. My name is protection against death. Pretty cool huh? Bye. I found my music sheet. It was inside my blue file.
I smiled at his very sincere and true to life recounting. Such a vivid, emotional style! My Lit teacher would give an A! The comic sketch was sweet, like a little child’s. He promised to show me some other drawings next time. If only he did not hide his pain. He was so worried I would know he was suffering so much. Other entries spoke less of the pain and more of his personal experiences.
He would address me: Bianca what do you think? Reply me ok? There’s no point in me writing for myself. I want an audience. I laughed. I think I would write some responses but not now. I was getting sleepy. I flipped to the most recent entry on Thursday night, July 12th.
I am so scared! Louis has been urging me to lie down first. I had to take some sleeping pills to relax. He will call the cab, and then help me downstairs. It’s lucky that he’s taken care of packing the necessary stuff, because I was freaking out. There is no way I am a stable person. I still can’t feel relaxed.
Bianca I hope you’re reading this. This is to show that the book is being used. Nice?
I seem so heroic telling people who called to ask that I’ll be fine. In truth, non. I don’t want to sleep all alone in a public room. What will it be like there? I hope it does not smell like medicine. I’m starving too, I forgot to feed last night. I was with Bianca. She’s come along nicely. We were covering scales. I hope her friend is alright.
Mon dieu! The cab has come. I will stop here.
I shut the book, tearing up. He was freaking! He needed my company but because of Boris’s critical condition, he gave that up. Poor poor Lestat. They are made from love, spurned by love and yearn for love. I will treasure him more. He is fragile.
My alone time. Totally peace and quiet. I went to switch on the stereo and put on a rock CD. I love rock man!!!! I like Linkin Park. I scanned through the artistes. Didn’t know these people. I was so engrossed that when the door opened and a wind blew in. A tall figure.
I screamed. White face! Ghost, Vampire! “It’s me, it’s only me, Louis de Pointe du Lac. Relax. Calm down,” the man said. I stopped and opened my eyes. Dilated green pupils.
“Couldn’t you come in Less silent?” I said pissed. I touched my still pounding chest. Louis gestured to the music.
“You couldn’t hear me in this racket. I’m a weak vampire you know.” This is the closest to a chiding from him, a small sarcasm. He sank down on the armchair opposite me. I Read: furious throbbing currents.
“Um, what did Lestat say today? Did he ask about me?”
He threw up his hands, clipped French accent, “I’m so mad! I know I should not because he is sick, but he embarrassed me. He tried to get me onto the bed with him. To kiss me, make love. You know? When the nurse came in, she was horrified. It is all right at home, but in public? I rejected his efforts and I think… I don’t know… he should have gone back to sleep.”
I pictured how Lestat must be so affected. I usually make it a point to ask him over and over if he’s alright. Too polite to talk about his pain….. His journal showed that he concealed his most raw agony away from us. Suicidal? Oh no! “Louis, did he do anything else? You left right after?”
Why? I was too angry. I did not want to make a scene in the hospital.
I quickly dug out my notebook and found the number. Please please don’t do anything rash. Lestat answered, “Hello?” I stayed silent. Let him talk? What will he say?
“Is that Louis? I--- I did not mean to provoke you. I promise I will be good now. I won’t do it again, cher. I am in bed now and opening the presents. Thank you. I don’t mind that the music box is new. The pens are expensive. Wow! I will certainly use them. Why don’t you respond? Are you too angry at me?”
“It is me.” Silence. then my teacher laughed. I was so relieved!
“Oh! I have been talking to the wrong person, why did you not tell me? Kinda personal. You miss me?”
“You didn’t ask. I miss you plenty.”
Lestat conceded, “Really. Yay!”
I told him I had cleared up his room and filed up some documents flying loose. “Please don’t mind me. And your music box is spoilt. I’m glad you liked the new one, Lestat.”
“It is ok. Thank you, nice of you. Um, embarrassing though, I was not in any mood to clear up the stuff. You are so kind to lend me your player. Are you in the house now? Sounds noisy.” The phone connection was not that bad, it was clear.
Louis could you turn down the volume? Thanks!------ I said. The volume went down. “Sorry. Lestat, I don’t know many of these musicians. Very old generation of rock?”
“I cannot remember, frankly. You like them? Some of them are gifts from friends. Not all vampires. A few of my human friends found it was my birthday on several occasions. Hehe, they don’t notice my age on the forms I fill is always 20, 21? Go look for one I recorded. I can sing. It will prove to you.”
So excited to hear from me! I felt absolutely thrilled. “ You’re cool. Don’t need to prove to me. I hope you can sleep better now, Lestat. Be good ok?”
His voice was urgent: “Wait! Don’t hang up on me. Is… is my love there?”
I glanced at Louis and asked him telepathically if he wanted to talk. Louis motioned ‘no’ and went back to reading.
“Nope. He told me what happened. What Were you proving?” I was also exasperated at Lestat. He sighed.
“He still takes offence. I hate myself. I totally forgot because he looked so---so perfect. I wanted to hold him.”
I replied that I understood. He asked me to please tell him frankly if he was brattie. I paused. “Well, if I am too frank you will be hurt. As you almost cried at the park.”
Lestat denied, “No I was not gonna cry. I’m male. I won’t be hurt. What is your answer?”
“Yes.” The patient chuckled. “I am being too frank. Ok, which song is it? What’s the title?” It was called Live in San Francisco--------Satan’s night out. They were part of a compilation. I put down the phone for a sec and sifted through the mountainous piles of discs. He hadn’t put them in any order. I finally found it and played.
She’s into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls
She’s got a premonition, that cat’s gonna make you fall
She’ll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain
She’ll make you go insane, like a bullet through your brain-------
Outside inside out
Livin’la Viende Loca
She’ll push and pull you out
He sang this? Wow! I praised him. He said he would blush hotter if I continued. “What do you think of James Lestarian? My alias?”
“Good idea. Fits you. If you’re tired, better hang up now. Get some sleep.”
“Ok. I have a message. Please tell Louis not to be angry anymore. I am genuinely sorry. I will feel terrible if I’m alone here. No one wants to talk…. And I just found out I’ve to stay a month! Ack! 1 month of keeping silent as the grave. I will die. If you make Interview with a vampire II, that would be me!”
I burst out laughing. “You’re a comic Lestat. Are you lying down? Please do not get up. You must take care of yourself.”
“I promise. I swear I will. Hey, this is the second year of our friendship, anniversary! We met last April. Did you realize that? I’m so happy. You’re going to bed now? Sorry. Au revoir, honey pie.”
I asked Louis why he didn’t want to talk. “I felt anti social. Don’t you know me? Had a nice chat apparently.”
Still mad? Can I sleep here? My parents aren’t home. Louuuuiis.
Don’t need to whine. I consent.-------------- he replied smiling.
He walked so fast, it seemed that he was flying up the steps. I followed on wings. He opened the door to his room and lay down, opened a softbound book on Greek Philosophers. I made myself comfortable upon Louis’s cream colored armchair. I closed my eyes. After some time, Louis tousled my hair, dry kiss on my forehead. He dropped a jacket over me. I grunted. “Huh?”
The guy lifted me up and I was upon the nice small bed.
It was 4 am when I had the sensation of salivating my face. I rubbed my mouth. Darn it. Louis was inside his coffin.
A note: Hi Krys, when you wake up I will be asleep already. Help me to lock the door ok? I’ve provided a spare set of keys. Thank you.do not come near my coffin, or I’ll not be able to prevent you from being hurt.
I sometimes forgot that my friends are nocturnal. It is quite sad, we could have fun together coz there are much more activities going on in the day. Swimming, suntanning, fishing, surfing, most exotic foods are only diurnal. I felt like crying. I bolted up the door, slipped the keys on my belt.
In the hospital room, the vampire was sleeping. I got up and jumped back, vampires are defensive when waking up. After some struggling, the blond flickered open his eyelids. He turned his face to me on the pillow. Licked his lips.
“Bianca.” Softly. “My voice is gone. Don’t worry. You’re early.”
I smiled, touched his hair. “Hi. Feeling better? Can you drink?” I poured him a glass of water. He drank ferociously.
Um. I have fed. On sedated mutton. Anything for me today?
“Yes, I bought you stuff. Here. See if you like them?”
“Thanks. Very nice. Where is Louis? Will he come?” Lestat asked, shifting to be more comfortable. He seemed drugged, flushed, blank look. Oh no, I forgot to give Louis his message.
“I don’t know. He’s still asleep. It’s only 6.30 now.” I prayed he wouldn’t get agitated. Quiet.
Then, tentatively: “Louis… we’re all petty creatures. You are not. I admire this quality in your kind. Love, forgiveness, generous of heart. Don’t you ever feel jealous? Resentful?”
“I am jealous of people at times. It is normal. Don’t be stressed over that.”
The vampire nodded, still drowsy looking, reached for his ribbon and tied back his tumbling gold locks. He yawned, exposing little fangs. I felt something was not quite right, the air was twanged tight like an overtuned guitar. He is dangerous. Lestat started to cry. He sniffled, rubbing and smearing bloodstains over his sleeves and pajamas. I took out some tissues.
Don’t be sad. I am here. Louis is not angry with you. I touched his shoulder, careful to give a wide berth when he jerked.
Deep dark sinking gloom throbbed. Disappointment, worry.
Lestat soon hiccupped. Finished with crying. “Sorry-------- I’m like a child still… can I hold your hand? It would give me much comfort.”
I watched him. In my mind I could see his gloominess flowing out, consuming much. I did not trust him. Lestat watched me seriously. Eyes widened, fangs exposed. Can I? I will not hurt you. I promise. Come closer.
“I read your diary. Why did you address it to me?”
Mistake. The patient was on the alert now, almost bestial. He snarled. I screamed as he lunged at me. NO NO! STOP LESTAT! Are you crazy? He breathed all over my face, aiming for my throat. I blocked him. Then the pressure was off me. Several strong guys had hold of him. The creature howled, fighting them. Darts were shot. Lestat went limp. A nurse gave me a warning look.
“If you’re not his kind, why do you come? Why don’t you defend yourself? Stay outside.”
I was still in shock when Louis arrived at 7.30pm. He was angered they had restrained him. “What has he done? How dare you imprison him!”
I told him numbly what happened. Then hatred seeped in. I will never speak to Lestat again! He tried to kill me! Outside the medical staff was talking to Louis on his condition. “We are genuinely sorry. We must have mixed up the adrenaline drugs with the sedation. So your friend was excited instead of asleep.” I watched coldly when Lestat called to his best friend. Blue eyes like the usual Lestat I recognized, but I was unmoved. He smiled and waved. Louis took him by the shoulders. He was explaining what he had done. Lestat was shocked, worried.
I am sorry. Will you forgive me? I didn’t know…. He said humbly. He sat up, wincing at the great pain. I told him I hated him and ran out.
I flew around until I was tired. Landed on another building miles away.
Louis. I spread out my wings. I was not going back. No one will make me. He cried out for me to stop. “Don’t! Don’t fly off again. I had a hard time chasing you.” He was slightly out of breath, suit rumpled, dark hair mussed up by the wind.
I growled, “I am Not going back! Not even if you beg me.”
“Don’t.” Louis nodded, indicating he would not come closer. I breathed hard. He stayed put.
“Please listen to me. Lestat was high on drugs. It was an accident.”
“He wanted to bite me. Drain my life.” Louis assured me he knew of my feelings and talked to me some more. He was so patient. Finally I stepped off the rails and walked to him. He held me.
“Ok. Not there. We should get off this place. It is so high up and the lift was not working.” I walked ahead of the weak preter. Silence. “Um, shall I send you back?”
Yes. Lestat had made him mad, forgiven, now he was making me mad. I was not going to be softhearted again. The most would be seeing him from behind a cage. Yea that would be ok. Reinforced titanium material. And restrained by huge chains. Louis listened to me rant. I did not realize but tears were coming too. I felt so hurt, so confused. They promised! How can a promise mean so little? Is this the price to pay for being their friend?
“If you hated him, you would not be so grieved. Krystal, can you listen to me?”
“Yes?” I smiled. He knelt and took hold of my shoulders. I caught an image of him doing so with Claudia. Lovely feeling.
“I will take you somewhere. I cannot take you flying, or dinner coz I forgot my wallet but come with me?” He took my hand. It was a clear sky.
“Can you see the constellations? Pisces, Libra? The Big Dipper.”
I scratched my head. “Where’s the Little one? Is it there?” I pointed. He laughed, tracing it for me. Cool! We recited the names of each constellation. Mad astronomers, the passersby must be thinking.
“Mine, Sagittarius. Virgo the woman, Aries. Hey your suit is ruined… I am sorry.” I brushed off the grass stains. Now Louis and me lying down side by side. I sat up. How dirty I am now. I offered to buy him a modern shirt.
“No need..”he was shy again.
“I insist. Let’s go shopping. Your colour is purple. You’ll look good in that.”
“WHAT?” Louis sputtered. Amusing, guys. He never sputters. But he did that night, July 15, 10.20pm. I dragged him shopping with me. He chose conservative white.
“No.” I picked him an orage tshirt. A collared Polo. He looked nice with those. “Too much b&w. you need a makeover. Unfortunately no purple. Miss do you have some purple hues?”
He chose Levi’s jeans. When he tried it, he looked suave and cowboyish. He’s not star struck handsome but he’s clean-cut. Louis wore the orange tshirt. Much younger. I used my ATM card to make the purchases. I would not hear of him paying me back.
We walked to the beach. Where he spoke of Claudia and the past, the 1800s when they lived together. I ignored the Lestat parts. I wanted to know how she looked like. Louis took out a locket of her picture, an innocent 6 year old, very curly gold hair. She wore an oldies dress of emerald and flowers.
“Krys, you are a forgiving person. Won’t you forgive him? He was so worried.” I did not answer. My street.
“I don’t know. Bye.” I kissed my friend on the cheek and shut the door behind me. I watched from my window as his figure got smaller in the distance. Mom said Lestat had left me a message.
She said he was a nice boy. It would be a pity if he and I couldn’t be together. Mum, you don’t get it. He’s a demon, a monster. How can we Ever be together? I have to become his kind. In my head, moments when the blond was so happy. Each one of them was when he was with me. The words on his journal. If only I had not read it. You are my antithesis. My angel. A parallel to myself. She is my anti bad feelings.
I am so scared. I need you. I turned off my lights and shut them out. I will never talk to him again.